Yet Another Ink Spill on the Gender Divide

It seems like there is an unending morass written online about the relations between the sexes.   Every ink drop spilled is an attempt by one or another of us to figure out our significant other or figure out why we don’t have a significant other.  One thing I have learned in the last few years: men and women are way different.  Like incomprehensibly different.  It is an issue my girlfriend and I have dealt with, as have all couples, and continue to (though thankfully she does not read this blog).  Our modern age with its fluid understanding of gender roles (insofar as it even acknowledges the gender divide) makes coming to grips with male and female differences more difficult than ever.

Men want a woman who is independent and smart, and indeed this is what society demands of women it seems.  But we also want a woman who needs us.  What do women need us for though?  They are more educated, rich, and successful than men in many categories.  They get emotional support from other women.  Due to modern technology they do not even need us for reproduction.  The society that modern feminism has created has effectively written men out of the picture.  The image of the single mother supporting herself and her kids has become normal, accepted, and even glorified in some circles.

This has left modern man searching for himself- where do I fit into the gender equation?  I was told this weekend that a woman can see “being in a relationship” with another woman in every way except sex.  Does this reduce men to vibrators with legs?  Do women really value their relationships with men differently or more than their friendships with women?  I know I want to be more than that.  I want to matter.  I want to know that there is something special I add to her life that no one else could, that my presence adds value and meaning.   And that this contribution is more than just a fun night after drinks.

I recently read an article in America magazine about the hookup culture at American college campuses.  At the heart of it is the growing divide between sex and love.  It is an attitude that has become pandemic in America and probably the western world generally.  More men are watching pornography than ever.  Whether this is a cause or a result is a debate for another article but in either case it is illustrative of both this divide and the fact that men and women are having less meaningful relationships and hence less meaningful sex, though this is hardly a modern innovation.

I know I have asked many questions and provided few answers, this might hopefully engender some comments and certainly is one more step towards coming to grips with these questions.  Also hun,  if you happen to be reading this- I love you (and I’m glad you read my blog) :-p

Habitus

I just finished a book by Charles Duhigg called The Power of Habit and it blew me away with its analysis of human behavior.  I found it incredible the extent to which habits determine our actions and responses to stimuli and gratified that he offered a way to change even the most deeply ingrained habits in our lives.  There are a few thoughts about habits that I have taken away from this book and others that I've read.  Habits are just that- neither good nor bad, they simply are a fact of our human existence.  It can seem a little strange when we realize how much of our lives are simply automatic responses and not conscious thought, but this is not bad, it's just how the mind works.  All of us have habits that are good and 99% of us also have habits we'd rather not have.  Some of those with bad habits are able to overcome them without much seeming difficulty- many others regard change as impossible.  Change IS possible but the most important component of changing is believing this.  Belief in change is what AA means with "fake it till you make it"- live as though it's possible long enough to start believing that it is. So here is what I would tell anyone dealing with the hardship of changing a bad habit:

-You CAN do it- the biggest part is just believing that it's possible
-You must make a deliberate decision to change and reorganize your life around that decision.  This involves making specific choices about your life to avoid triggers for your unwanted behavior be they people, places, or things.
-Find new and productive or healthful ways of expending time and energy to redirect the time and energy that would otherwise be used to perpetuate these behaviors.  For me specific examples include developing a more complete social life, picking up sailing and biking, and starting this blog.
-Finally and most importantly, pray.  Develop your relationship with God- if you trust Him, amazing doors in the world and in your soul will be opened that make all of this worth it.

This is my first foray into blogging (I must confess, up to now I've never really even read blogs) but I hope that this is the beginning of an incredible journey for myself and anyone who condescends to read what I write.
Until next time.....